”Maammaa”. His thin, raspy voice breaks the silence and my muscles tens immediately. I put my computer down beside me and I hear his voice calling for me again, louder this time. I rush up the stairs to our bedroom. He is sitting up, watching me with sleepy eyes as I walk into the room. The soft light from the hallway lights up his face and I can see that he has been crying.

”I called for you mommy, but you didn’t hear me” he looks at me with sad eyes, red from crying. My heart breaks. I lay down beside him and talk to him softly. He pulls up his blanket from underneath the cover and stands up in the bed. ”What are you doing sweetie?” I ask him. ”I need to put the blanket on you mommy, so you don’t get cold.” He tucks me in underneath his blanket and then he lays down with his head on my shoulder. In a second he’s sleeping.

I lay there for a long time. My heart warm and aching and my thoughts present. I have been working a lot lately. I have picked him up early from daycare, and I have stayed home with him when he’s been sick. Even on those days when he probably could have gone to kindergarten, but is not a 100% back to his normal self. I have physically been with him just as much as usual, but mentally I have been working a lot the last couple of weeks. As I lay there in bed beside him, listening to his soft breathing, I realize that I am running. Again.

You start walking because you feel like taking a walk.

Looking at the trees that line your way, smell the flowers, let your brain go where the walk takes you. Your ideas roam freely in the space that you create by walking. Then you see another person on the path, walking a little faster, getting ahead of you. After a while you see another one, walking in the forest next to the trail, taking pictures of beautiful flowers.

And then on the other side of you there’s a group of people laughing, walking faster as they pass you. Suddenly the once so pleasant and inspiring walk has turned into something else. Something that makes your stomach turn to ice. The people who now seem to fill your path, all look like they have a great time.

What are they doing? Where are they going? Why didn’t I think of walking in the forest instead of on the trail? What if the people passing me are heading somewhere more fun, somewhere better. What if they get there first and i am left back here, all alone? And before you know it, you’re running. Feeling like you’re gonna miss out, like you don’t know what you’re doing. Feeling like you’ve failed.

Everyone around you seem to know where they are going, and suddenly, you don’t have a clue. 

I have been here before. Many times before. Short, heavy breathing, like I’ve been out running. Brain working on overload. Constantly focusing on what’s next, never really stopping on what is right here and right now. I feel like I am running a marathon, I have no idea why everyone is running or how long it’s gonna be. The pain in my chest is throbbing and my legs are burning.

I never realize that I am running until I stop.

That was the whole reason behind why I started this blog in the first place. It’s the whole reason why I go out into nature. I don’t want to run. Running as an activity is great, but when it comes to life – I don’t want to run through it, feeling like I’m always missing out. I want to walk my own way smelling the flowers as I go. Listening to the birds in the trees. My brain shall be free and creative. I want to live. Today.

It takes a lot of energy and determination to win a race. But it takes even more to walk slowly when everyone else is running. It takes patience, focus and a strong mind. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to do it. I easily let fancy goals, other people’s expectations and career get in the way of what my heart wants.

Right now, I dream of a small house with no connections to the outside world.

I want to get up early. Walk over cold floors to make a fire to keep the house warm. Drink coffee curled up underneath a blanket and watch the world outside slowly wake up. I want to read a book. Go out on long walks in the woods with the dogs and my family. Cook dinner with vegetables from our own yard. I want to swim in a cold lake while the sky goes dark and day turns to night. Stand on a porch with lungs filled with life and a heart filled with love as the aurora dances in the sky. No internet. No social media. No career. No nothing. Just us in the world. Alive.

Life is too short not to enjoy today. If we run, we will just get to the finish line faster, and we will have missed all the beautiful flowers on the road.


Right now I need to stop and smell the flowers ♡

Walking in the woods is our favourite thing. More of that now.

9 thoughts on “As I lay there beside him, listening to his soft breathing, I realize that I am running. Again. 

  1. Jenn - Forever abroad on 29 september, 2017 at 06:31 Svara

    Ihhh. I loved this text. Such an important reminder. And the last part really made me wanna long for a quiet little house, even if it’s just for a couple of days, maybe grandmas place in Tjautjas :))

    1. Amanda Matti on 1 oktober, 2017 at 22:12 Svara

      Thank you Jennifer! Oh yes, I’m in! When are we going to Tjautjas?! 🙂

      1. Jenn - forever abroad on 9 oktober, 2017 at 19:36 Svara

        I vote for easter time, or around that time. It’s usually when I head up north, like last april 😉

  2. Lena - gott för själen on 29 september, 2017 at 16:51 Svara

    Så fint och tänkvärt!

    Ha en bra helg!

    Kram Lena

    1. Amanda Matti on 1 oktober, 2017 at 22:13 Svara

      Tack Lena! JA! Det är viktigt.. och lätt att glömma. Hoppas du har haft en fin helg! 🙂 Kram till dig!

  3. Sara i Åre on 30 september, 2017 at 15:29 Svara

    Vilket bra inlägg. Kloka ord! 🙌🏼

    1. Amanda Matti on 1 oktober, 2017 at 22:14 Svara

      Tack Sara! ❤️

  4. Mona on 2 oktober, 2017 at 09:41 Svara

    Å vilken fin text! Touching! Jag stressar sällan upp mig men känner att jag i alla fall börjat jogga iväg sista tiden. Mitt mål är att få mer hemmatid. Hemma i skogen. Hoppas få komma dit inom överskådlig framtid. Hoppas att du snarast får känna på lugnet också! Ha en bra måndag!

    1. Amanda Matti on 4 oktober, 2017 at 14:23 Svara

      Tack Mona! Bra att ha som vana att inte stressa upp sig! Även om den känslan ofta kommer smygande och är svår att märka. Låter som bra mål du har att vara hemma och ute i naturen! Klokt! och tack för omtanken! Jag ska försöka med samma sak 🙂 Kram!

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